Have you ever been overwhelmed, anxious, angry, or triggered and someone tells you:
“Just relax.”
Or maybe nobody even has to say it because you’re already telling yourself.
Calm down.
Stop thinking about it.
Let it go.
Why can’t I just relax?
I’ve realized something about myself: sometimes the harder I try to relax, the harder relaxing actually becomes.
It feels like relaxation should happen naturally. I shouldn’t have to sit there concentrating on being calm.
But when I’ve been triggered, my mind and body don’t always get that message.
My Mind Might Know It’s Over, but My Body Is Still Catching Up
Sometimes the stressful moment has already passed, yet I’m still feeling it.
My thoughts replay what happened.
I think about what I said.
What they said.
What I should have said.
What I could have done differently.
Meanwhile, my body can still feel tense and restless.
That’s when I tend to make things worse by putting pressure on myself:
You need to calm down.
Now I’m upset about the original situation and frustrated because I haven’t relaxed fast enough.
So I’m learning to stop treating relaxation like a command.
Instead of “Relax,” I Try to Give Myself Something Else to Focus On
When I’m really worked up, immediately sitting quietly isn’t always what I need.
Sometimes quiet gives my brain even more room to overthink.
Instead, I might need a transition activity.
I can take a walk.
Put on a comfort show.
Color on my iPad.
Play Solitaire.
Make some art.
Write everything down.
Spend time with my pets.
Listen to music.
Take a shower.
Or even just lie down and let myself exist for a while without trying to accomplish anything.
I’m not doing these things because they’re guaranteed to instantly make everything better.
I’m doing them because they give my brain somewhere else to go while the intensity starts coming down.
I Don’t Need to Go From 100 to Zero
This has probably been one of the biggest things I’m learning.
When I’m at a 100 emotionally, expecting myself to immediately reach zero isn’t realistic.
Maybe I can get to 90.
Then 70.
Then 50.
Maybe eventually I notice that my shoulders aren’t as tense anymore.
My thoughts aren’t racing quite as fast.
I’m paying attention to the movie instead of replaying the situation.
And suddenly I realize:
Oh. I’m actually starting to relax.
I didn’t force it.
It happened while I was giving myself time.
Self-Care Doesn’t Have to Become Homework
I love self-care, coping tools, journaling, mindfulness, creativity, and learning different ways to take care of my mental health.
But even healthy coping tools can start feeling like another checklist.
Did I breathe correctly?
Did I journal enough?
Should I meditate?
Why isn’t this grounding exercise working yet?
Why am I STILL anxious?
That’s when something meant to help can start feeling like another expectation.
Sometimes I don’t need another thing I’m supposed to do correctly.
I need permission to simply be uncomfortable for a little while without judging myself for it.
Try Asking a Different Question
The next time you’re triggered or overwhelmed, instead of immediately asking:
“How do I make myself relax?”
Try:
“What would make the next five minutes a little easier?”
Not perfect.
Not completely calm.
Just a little easier.
Maybe you need movement.
Maybe you need distraction.
Maybe you need creativity.
Maybe you need quiet.
Maybe you need your favorite blanket, your pet beside you, and a show you’ve already watched 47 times.
Whatever works for you.
I’m learning that relaxing doesn’t always begin with feeling relaxed.
Sometimes it begins with giving myself enough space to eventually get there.
You don’t have to force calm. Sometimes you just have to create a place where calm has a chance to show up.
